How many times do you say yes or agree to something without actually considering the consequences or meaning of it? How many times do you say YES, when you really just want to say NO?
When we think of anxiety and different strategies to reduce its occurrence in our lives, we almost never think about setting firmer boundaries. The lack of clear healthy boundaries can actually be a cause of our anxiety without us even realising it.
Creating personal and professional boundaries are rules, guidelines or limits about what we are willing and not willing to accept. Boundaries are essential if you want to remain emotionally and physically healthy.
Imagine this: your boss asks you to stay back at work to help with the workload piled up from a sick co-worker. Without thinking you immediately say yes, and even though you know you had plans to exercise that evening and have an early night you think “it will just be tonight so that’s fine.” Four hours later you get home exhausted and fatigued, have a small bite to eat and hit the sack.
The next day your boss comes to you again asking you for help. He says “one of your colleagues has to go interstate and I need you to help with the shortfall this evening. You did so well the other night and I know I can count on you to get it done.”
You feel bad, and don’t want to disappoint him so you say Yes! Again you were meant to exercise and meditate but you sacrifice work for your own personal self-care. You get home close to midnight and hit the sack without eating, meditating or exercising. You wake up stressed, sore and exhausted.
Sound familiar? This sort of scenario can happen with family, work, or personal relationships. Many of us don’t like disappointing others, or we feel guilt if we say no, so we automatically say yes and sacrifice our own needs.
Long term this can create high stress and anxiety because you start taking on more than you can handle or want. The truth is no one is can or will say yes to your own needs except for you. Waiting for someone else to recognise what your needs are might take some time, and let’s just say it may never happen.
Determine Keys Areas You Want to Set Boundaries Around
- Your Time: We often feel we never have enough time to focus on what’s really important in our lives yet time is often what we least protect through effective boundaries. Do you have friends who drop by unexpectedly? Do you have co-workers or colleagues who demand your time in unreasonable ways? Do you have tasks that could just as easily be completed by someone else?
- Your Emotions: Your emotions are where your love and care come from. This should be well-protected. Sometimes people in our lives may say or do hurtful things (often unintentional) that can damage our emotions and our hearts. Has someone in your life made hurtful remarks or comments? Been thoughtless? These are examples of violations of our emotional boundaries.
- Your Energy: Your energy is resource from which you function. This energy can come from many sources such as: “alone time”, your inner peace, activities that invigorate you, etc. When others do or say things that robs you of this energy (such as invade your privacy, create turmoil, make unreasonable demands, keeps you from meditating, etc.), you are less likely to function effectively.
- Your Personal Values or other areas important to you: Anything in your life that is important to you (such as your personal values, needs, family, etc.) can be areas that can benefit from effective boundaries. What other areas of your life need boundaries?
Barriers to Boundary Setting
It seems obvious that no one would want their boundaries violated. So why do we allow it? Why do we NOT enforce or uphold our boundaries?
- Fear of rejection and, ultimately, abandonment.
- Fear of confrontation.
- Fear of disappointing others or letting others down.
- Guilt (this is a big one for many of us).
- We were not taught healthy boundaries.
These fears we have in our mind are often not REAL! But they feel as though they are. Reminding yourself that 95% of our fears never come true can help you to take that step to assert yourself and set firm boundaries. At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway and remind yourself you have a right to self-care and self-respect.
Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.
Brene brown
I absolutely love this quote by Brené Brown! If you’re ready to love yourself rather than give in to your fears, start taking action by following this next step.
Write Down Your Boundaries and the Action You Will Take
Create two columns, one that says “the boundary I am setting” “the action I will take is…”
For example:
The boundary I am setting: “I will finish work no later than 5:30pm, 3 days a week to prioritise my self-care and therefore my energy and emotions.”
The action I will take is: “I will let me boss know I am available two evenings throughout the week to help with the increase in workload, but not on the days I have prioritised for self-care.”
Do this process for all the boundaries you want to start committing to and remember are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful way. If your boundary upsets them, know it is their problem.
Some people, especially those who are used to controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might test you. Plan on it, expect it, but remain firm. Remember, your behaviour must match the boundaries you are setting. You cannot successfully establish a clear boundary if you send mixed messages by apologising all the time!
Do You Need to Dig Deeper?
Kinesiology combined with mindset coaching can be a powerful combination to help you create better boundaries. If you’d like personalised support please book a Kinesiology session here.
